ShoutyBear: Politics. Foreign Affairs. Zarf.

Earlier this week I resolved to phone my eldest aunt in Seoul. Been meaning to do this for weeks but work, life, whatever kept getting in the way. (Excuses.) Problem is my Korean is poor, so when I Skype her I do so with the help of a friend whose Korean is much better than mine. Texted her on Tues to see when she could come by and translate, we both decided on Thursday which, Yay, was what I’d been hoping for. Worked best for me, schedule-wise.

The reason I need to phone my aunt is to check in on her. She’s the oldest person standing on my mother’s side, nearly 70 I think though she looks about 50 (Asians). And I worry for her. It’s been a year since my mother, her youngest sibling, passed. Several more years since my other aunt died from a brain tumor. The three of them were thisclose, my eemo having raised my much younger mother since both their parents were dead by the time she (Mom) was 12. My mother’s death was sudden, too soon, and completely avoidable. It was needless and stupid. And my eemo took it extremely hard. Collapsed at the funeral, etc.

So, I worry for my aunt. She considers me more daughter than niece, since Mom was a career lady and Eemo (after years of being a career lady, raising her youngest siblings and whatnot) was wealthy enough to stay home and care for me during the day when I was a baby. She named her adopted daughter after me in the Korean tradition. So, we’re tight, or about as tight as two relatives who can’t communicate can be.

Anyway, Thursday is today. I’ve been in a fog all morning, despite being on a pretty important deadline for an assignment I absolutely cannot fuck up. Haven’t been able to concentrate much. And I’m thinking ahead to what I’m going to say to my aunt tonight, and it occurs to me that I can’t remember the exact date my mother died. I am terrible with dates as a rule, and her death last summer was such a clusterfuck that the ensuing days were a fog of travel arrangements, anger, visitors, paperwork, lawyers, funeral planning, and more anger. Maybe I’m still in the fog a little, I don’t know. So this morning, I can’t remember the date my mother died and I don’t want to admit that to anyone (ie, ask), so I do a search for “cleveland mother died” in my email account.

My mother died on Aug. 6, 2008. That is today. Somewhere, somehow, my body knew this. I am the most anti-superstitious person you will find, but this startles even me a little. How our brains can know things without our, like, knowing them. When I realize all this, Wilco’s “Country Disappeared” is playing very loudly, making for a heavy-kind-of moment. Of course, now I feel like a dick since for my eemo yesterday was The Day. But I have a feeling that she may also be hazy on the exact date. Dates don’t fucking matter, do they, when stupid, pointless shit like this happens to people you are close to.

So yeah. I’ll probably drink a little too much tonight or whatever. The anger clearly is still around in muted form which I probably ought to try to do something about at some point, since I’m unlikely to ever run into the huckster minister who told my mother that he dreamt Jesus would cure her and Oh BTW how about FASTING for a week even though you have The Cancer, thereby expediting her death. It would be sweet if that happened, though. I have never been in a physical altercation before but I would gladly risk jail to get a crack at that walking hemorrhoid. Sigh. Guess I know what I’ll be dreaming about tonight.